The Squad Family Christmas Special
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there. And with Christmas now awfully near, it's time we tell some stories here. Three delightful Christmas-themed fics, with Santa, and mamas, and lots of gay dicks. It's Christmas and we don't want it to be dull, so welcome to the Squad Family Christmas Special. Chapter 1 - Daddy Hard Part 1: Daddy Corp It was 6 pm on Christmas Eve, when Jas McClane’s plane was landing at the Los Angeles International Airport. She was a bit tired and shaken after the lengthy flight from West Virginia. The man sitting next to Jas chatted with her. “You know, a good way to get over travel fears is taking off your shoes and socks once you land, and walking barefoot.” He said. “What? That makes no sense! What are you, some kind of foot fetishist?” Jas asked. The man coughed awkwardly. “Gross! Keep that foot fetish a thousand feet away from me!” “A thousand feet, you say?” The man asked. Jas darted off the plane, not even grabbing her luggage. Jas made it to the pickup area and hopped into an uber she called. “Hey, can you take me to the Daddy Corp Building?” Jas asked the uber driver. “What’s a spicy mama like you doing going to Daddy Corp?” Asked the driver. “Some of my friends are holding a Christmas Eve Daddy Orgy, and me and my wife are crashing it for the free food.” Jas explained. “SEXY!!!” Said the driver as he drove off. In a few minutes, Jas arrived at the building and headed to the convention center on the 34th floor. “Jas! You’re here!” Exclaimed Jenny McClane as Jas walked out of the elevator. The two ladies ran to each other and hugged. “You’re just in time, catering just got here!” Jenny said. Jas and Jenny went to where the daddy orgy was about to begin. Many iconic daddies were there: BJ, JS, NC, Vincent, Hunter, Goku, Bowser, Ganondorf, Bogo, Lionheart, Maui, Doofenshmirtz, Perry, and many more. Jas walked up to the table and grabbed some delicious free cookies. “These are really good, who’s catering?” Jas asked. She then noticed that Linguini was placing out food, all while giggling as shuffling was heard from his pants. Jas awkwardly stopped eating and placed the rest of the food she was holding aside. Jenny kept eating anyway. “Well,I lost my appetite. Is there some sort of spicy mama orgy going on now too?” Jas asked. Jenny sadly nodded no. “Well, I’m gonna head upstairs and wash up. I’m still a bit groggy from traveling.” Said Jas. She headed to the bathroom upstairs and washed her face a bit. Out of curiosity, she took off her shoes and socks. “Wow, this actually does help you adjust! The foot fetishist was right!” Jas explained. She then mysteriously heard gunshot-esque noises from downstairs. “Wow, their cumshots are really loud.” She then heard some screaming. “Heh, Bowser’s colossal cock must have scared everyone again.” Jas went downstairs, still barefoot and saw the daddies mostly tied up. Oddly enough, some new people were at the orgy, all wearing hoods and masks. “Oh great, they’re onto the BDSM part of the orgy. I’ll pass.” Said Jas, heading back upstairs. She then put two and two together. “WAIT A MINUTE… THAT’S NO ORGY… THAT’S A HOSTAGE SITUATION!” She shouted. She heard some footsteps heading up the stairs, and ducked under a desk. “Hah, taking over their orgy was easier than I thought it’d be.” Said a familiar voice. “Yes… since they don’t allow us to be daddies anymore, we’ll steal all of the money Daddy Corp has made in the past year! To the vault!” Said another voice. “INSERT ANOTHER EXPOSITORY MONOLOGUE!” Shouted a last voice. “Can we at least take off these masks now?” Asked the first voice again. The second person nodded. Jas gasped as the three figures took off their masks to reveal the Once-ler, Loki, and Bill Cipher. Part 2: The Takeover As the three guards walked away, Jas got out of her hiding spot and ran upstairs. “What am I going to do?” Jas thought to herself. “My friends are down there… my wife is down there! I gotta find some weapons, or a radio for help! ...or shoes! Fuck! I left my shoes downstairs!” Jas wandered around the building, looking for any useful supplies. She suddenly froze, remembering something. “.............................WAIT A MINUTE! Cell phones exist! Phew, I forgot this wasn’t 1988 for a second.” Jas pulled out her phone and dialed 911. The police picked up the phone, but Jas heard a voice from behind her. “Put down the phone.” Said the Once-ler, right behind her, aiming a gun at Jas’s head. Jas gulped and threw down the phone, and the Once-ler stepped on it, crushing it. “H-hey man, be cool.” Jas said, turning around with her hands up. She then had an idea. “Wow, you’re being awfully bad, Once-ler.” “Pfft, bad? I mean, how bad can I be?” Said Once-ler. He then burst into song. “HOW BA-A-A-AD CAN I BE? I’M JUST-” Jas then punched the Once-ler in the face as he was singing, and he toppled over, falling down the stairs behind him. “Haha, take that bitch!” Said Jas. She then felt the Once-ler’s limp body at the bottom of the stairs. “Oh. I killed him. Whoops.” Jas shrugged and grabbed the Once-ler’s machine gun, then felt his body for any other supplies. Luckily, she found a radio. “I gotta take this to the roof… maybe it can reach a police line from there.” Jas thought. She went up the stairs. Meanwhile, the hostages were tied up downstairs and being watched by the guards, including Junkrat, Draco Malfoy, and an anime humanization of Mr. Krabs, among others. “Bogo… are we gonna be okay?” Lionheart asked. “I… I don’t know honey… I’ve never dealt with a hostage situation in my time as an officer…” Bogo replied sadly. “Who are you? What are you doing? Who is your leader?” Shouted BJ to one of the guards. “Bae no, don’t speak up! They might hurt you!” Said JS. “I don’t care… I must protect you.” Said BJ. “Why won’t you wankers shut up?!” Shouted Draco. “Nono, they have a right to know.” Said a mysterious voice. “Boss? What are you doing here, mate? Shouldn’t you be upstairs-” Junkrat said. “No, these people are our hostages. They deserve to know at least something about what’s going on.” Said the voice again. “Is that your leader?” Jenny shouted. “Show yourself!” “Very well.” Said the voice. “Wait a minute… I recognize that voice… oh no… OH NO…” Said Hunter. “Please… don’t be what I think it is…” Said Vincent. From the shadows emerged Sans himself. “Oh no… Sans Undertale…” Said Jenny. The rest of the daddies winced and screamed in fear at this infamous daddy appearing. “Actually, my real full name is Sans Gruber, not that anyone bothered remembering. I’m tired of all of you daddies getting all of the attention, tossing aside daddies like me when we’re no longer relevant.” Explained Sans. “Is this about us firing you, Sans? Your Diaper Sans diaper line was a huge flop! It cost the company millions! We had to fire you!” Shouted Lionheart. “I actually always liked that diaper line, we should use it sometime...” Said Bogo. “Pffft, it’s not about that. Actually, it’s partially about that. It’s totally 100% about that.” Said Sans. “And you went on to become a criminal… how typical.” Shouted BJ, in anger. “LET MY DADDIES GO!” “Haha, you all amuse me. Guards, keep the hostages in line. I have some business to attend to.” Said Sans, and he went back upstairs. “Oh Jas… if you’re out there… be careful…” Jenny whispered. Part 3: The Sin Police Jas was out there, but she was not being careful. In fact, Jas was climbing the stairwell to the roof, growing tired. “Yeesh, out of all the times to lose my shoes, it has to be now…” Jas thought to herself. Soon she made it to the roof, and pulled out the radio she stole from the Once-ler. “There’s a hostage situation at the Daddy Corp building! If there’s any police nearby, we need help immediately!” Jas shouted into the radio. Nearby on the ground, Officer Ace of the Los Angeles Sin Police was sitting in a police car when they heard Jas over the speaker. “Hello? Who is this? What’s going?” Ace said into the radio. “I shouldn’t say my name, this line might be monitored. Call me… uh… Comp.” Jas said. The voice of Sans suddenly burst onto the radio. “Nothing’s going on! So, uh, stop talking please! It’s just an immature prank!” “Wait a minute... I know that voice anywhere... Sans? You’re behind all of this?” Jas asked. “Nothing is going on! Disregard this!” Sans shouted into the radio. “SHUT UP!” Jas shouted. “Cops, call for backup immediately! This man is holding the building hostage!” Ace awkwardly sat in the Sin Police car listening to both. “Er… I don’t know who to believe.” Jas was about to respond when she heard another voice from right behind her. “WELL WELL WELL. Looks like I found an escapee!” Said Bill Cipher, from behind Jas. “I saw what you did to Once-ler! You’re not as slick as you think you are! And if you saw the Gravity Falls finale, you know I’m really hard to defeat!” Bill Cipher taunted. “Actually, I didn’t watch the finale. I was watching Spongebob LongPants and Larry’s Gym which aired on the same day.” Said Jas. “I… WHAT?! Well, you’re in for-” Bill was about to continue when Jas pulled out her gun and shot him in the eye. “OW, THAT WAS WAY TOO EASY!!!!!!!!!” Bill Cipher fell over and flew off the roof, landing on top of Ace’s car. Ace shrieked. “Is that enough proof for you?” Jas said into the radio, looking down. “Y-yes, yes it is.” Ace responded, and they began calling backup. Soon, Jas was back hiding in the building and hundreds of officers were swarming around the building. Ace’s cop partners, Juno and Randal, joined them. “A hostage situation, huh? On Christmas Eve? This reminds me of that movie-” Randal said. “SHUSH! We don’t have the rights to that.” Juno said. Ace was talking on the radio with Jas some more. “There’s at least 30 hostages, and I believe there’s around 10 more bad guys in there. I’ve already taken out two. They’re planning on stealing all of the money from the Daddy Corp vault.” Jas explained through the radio. “Uh huh… godspeef to you, Comp.” Ace responded. “Are you writing this down, Randal and Juno?” Before they could do any more, Sheriff Jerkass McDickman walked up to the Ace Trio. “How do you know this Comp person is even good? What if they’re a terrorist in disguise? They’re probably fooling us all! Let’s just shoot willy-nilly into the building and see what happens!” Ranted Sheriff Jerkass McDickman. “Wow, Sheriff Jerkass Dickman sure is being a jerkass and a dick, man.” Juno whispered to Randal. “That’s his shtick. Every cop movie needs the uptight sheriff who is a jerkass and a dick.” Randal whispered back. “We can’t just shoot in there! There’s hostages! And I happen to trust this Comp person.” Ace responded. “Pfft, hostages schmostages. EVERYONE, SHOOT!” Shouted the sheriff. A bunch of the other cops launched rockets into the windows. Back in the building, the hostages heard the explosions and rumbling and began screaming. “What? What’s going on?” Sans Gruber shouted, running into the room after hearing the explosion. “It must be that pesky escapee…” Over Sans’ radio, Jas shouted. “Are you guys trying to blow into the vault? Because you’re gonna BLOW UP THE BUILDING!” Jenny gasped when she heard Jas speaking over Sans’ radio. “What? We aren’t doing it. It must be the cops...” While replying, Sans noticed Jenny’s face. “Hey… you wouldn’t happen to know this girl? Brunette? Around 5’9? Blue eyes?” Sans asked. Jas was dead silent. Sans smiled mischievously and continued, “Take the girl away. The escapee knows her.” Two guards grabbed Jenny and dragged her away. “No… you can’t...” Jas said. “If you want her to be okay, meet us on the 34th floor in 10 minutes.” Sans said. Jas sat, holding the radio in her hiding spot, horrified. She radioed the cops again. “Thanks for those explosions, you’re screwing me over.” Part 4: The Final Battle Jenny was being held at gunpoint in an office with Sans, who was sitting right across from her. “So… you know this Comp person…” Sans said. “I’ll NEVER talk about my wonderful wife- wait shit.” Jenny said. “HAH! YOU’RE MARRIED! I CAN TOTALLY USE THAT AGAINST YOU!” Sans shouted. Meanwhile, Jas was heading downstairs, but not without some serious getting ready. She gathered all of the guns from guards she knocked out so far and hid them. She was ready for a big showdown. “Hey, cops? I’m getting ready to face Sans Gruber. If I don’t make it back alive… tell the world… that I’m gay.” Jas said into the radio. “Got it. Good luck, Comp.” Said Ace. “Actually… call me Jas.” Jas continued downstairs to the 34th floor. Her 10 minutes were almost up. But then she faced a roadblock… “Oh my god, there’s cum all over the floor!” Jas shouted. She realized she was in the room where the orgy was taking place before everyone was taken as hostage. She shuddered. She was a barefoot lesbian next to a plain of daddy cum of which her wife was on the other end. “I can’t… do it…” She said. But she knew her wife was on the other end and she had to save her. She started running through the cum to save her wife. In the office, Sans Gruber slapped Jenny in the face. “Say it. SAY IT.” Sans shouted. Jenny spit in his face. “Never…” “Say it… or I kill a hostage…” Said Sans, pulling out a gun. “...” “I’m not bluffing…” Jenny whimpered out. “Fine… Sans and the rest of his gang are woah decuple dad-” Before Jenny could finish this horrible sentence, the door burst open. “You wanted me? You can have me.” Jas shouted. She walked in, with her hands up, throwing her bag with a gun onto the ground. “Jas! Don’t sacrifice yourself for me!” Jenny shouted. “Thanks for obliging…” Sans said. “Such a shame that it had to go down like this. Now that your little flake of annoyance is out of the way, I can finally do what I came for.” “Can I first say one thing, though?” Jas asked. “Uh, I guess so. It’s not like you have a weapon or anything.” Sans laughed, picking up Jas’s bag and weapon from the floor. “Well, about that.” Jas said. Jas then pulled a gun from somewhere in her underpants and shot Sans in the head, and he fell onto the floor. “Jas! You saved me! Thank you so much!” Jenny shouted, running up to hug her. But then Sans got up from the floor. “You really think a bullet can kill me? I’M A FUCKING MAGICAL SKELETON!” Sans shouted. He shot at Jas and Jenny, and the two ducked down behind a desk. “Jenny, get out of here, free the hostages, then RUN!” Jas whispered. “What about you?” Jenny asked. “I’ll deal with Sans Gruber here…” Jas said. Jenny kissed Jas on the cheek for luck then ran off to save the hostages. “Alright Sans, let’s settle this one on one.” Said Jas, rising from behind the desk, throwing her gun down. “The old fashioned way.” “I like the way you think.” Sans replied. He threw down his gun as well. Jas and Sans jumped at each other and started beating the shit out of each other. “Jokes on you, I can’t feel pain! I’m still just a skeleton!” Sans said while fighting. “Jokes on you, your punches don’t feel like shit! You literally have no muscle!” Jas shouted back. The two continued to punch back and forth, as Jenny freed the daddy hostages. “We gotta get out of here!” Jenny shouted. “STOP RIGHT THERE!” Shouted Junkrat. Everyone froze as he cocked his grenade launcher around. “That’s right, you forgot to take out ONE guard! And now you all are ready to get BLOWN UP!” Junkrat screamed maniacally. A familiar german accent pierced through the air. “I THINK NOT!” “OH NO! NOT ONE OF MY COUNTERs!” Junkrat screamed, and Reinhardt charged straight at Junkrat, knocking him out in one hit. “Wow, I forgot Reinhardt was invited!” Jenny exclaimed. The rest of the hostages then fled from the building. Jas and Sans were still fighting, pretty much rolling around the entire building in an endless and exhausting brawl. “Don’t you see! I’m Sans Gruber, some know me as Sans Undertale, and I. AM. UNSTOPPABLE!” Sans got up and did an evil laugh. Jas was on the floor, exhausted, and ready to give up hope, when she noticed he was standing behind a stack of unsold Sans Diaper boxes. She then had an idea. “Hey Sans… can I say one thing before you end me…” Jas said. “What is it, you imbecile? And do NOT say ‘Yippee ki yay, motherfucker’ that’s copyrighted.” Sans said. “You can pee and poop and cum in there for how many days?” Jas asked. “The fuck-” Before Sans could do anything, Jas grabbed a nearby piece of rubble, threw it at the stack of diaper boxes, and it toppled over on top of Sans. Jas jumped up, grabbed one of the diapers from the box, and placed it on top of Sans’ head extremely tightly. “What? I can’t see! What’s going on? NOO!!!” Sans screamed. Minutes later, Sans was being carted off by the L.A.P.D., still with a diaper on his head. The rest of his gang was being brought to jail as well. “I gotta hand it to you, Jas. You saved the day on your own!” Officer Ace shook Jas’s hand back outside the building. “Hey, it’s all part of the job.” Jas responded. “Woah, are you a Sin Police officer too?” Officers Juno and Randal asked. “Nope, I’m just gay and have to protect my brethren, rather they’re daddies, spicy mamas, or parents.” Jas said. “Speaking of spicy mamas…” Jenny ran into Jasmine’s arms and they kissed. “Woah multiple mamas.” Said JS, who was watching with the daddies. “Oh yeah, are you guys doing okay?” Ace asked the former hostages. “Yep! In fact, we’re ready to continue our orgy!” BJ shouted. “...inside, right?” Jas asked. It was too late, as the daddy orgy rebegan right outside the building on its front lawn. “...wanna go schedule a Christmas Eve mama orgy?” Jenny asked. “You took the words right out of my mouth.” Jas responded. Chapter 2 - Randal Got Ran Over by a Reindeer Part 1: Christmas Hijinx It was a snowy Christmas night, and Ace, Juno, and Randal were huddling together next to the fireplace waiting for Santa to come. “Boy, I really hope Santa gives me that Bluster daki I asked for!” Randal squeed in delight. “I really hope I get Overwatch and a PS4.” Ace said. “I’m not getting my hopes up, I’m probably on the naughty list after all of that tax fraud I committed.” Juno said. “What?” Ace and Randal asked. “Did I say tax fraud? I meant, uh, axe fraud! I killed people with fake axes!” Juno said. “That’s worse…” Ace murmured. Before the trio could investigate more, they heard sleigh bells coming from outside. “Sleigh bells? Can it be?” Ace wondered. “SANTA!!! GIMME THAT BLUSTER!!!” Randal shouted, and he dashed outside. “RANDAL, NO!” Ace and Juno shouted, but it was too late. Randal was dashing outside in the snow, looking for Santa’s sleigh. Ace and Juno ran to the door and saw Randal as he started to slip on the icy sidewalk. Randal toppled over, sliding into the icy street when… BAM! A reindeer-pulled sleigh toppled over him. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Ace and Juno shouted, running outside to see Randal, crushed on the street. “OOH, THE AGONY! THE ENDLESS PAIN I’M IN RIGHT NOW! HELP ME! HELP MEEE!!!!!” Randal shouted dramatically. “You know, this reminds me of a song.” Juno said casually. Then Ace and Juno pulled out banjos and began singing . : “Randal got run over by a reindeer : Running out of our house Christmas eve : You can say there's no such thing as Santa : But as for Ace and Juno, we believe” “Please call an ambulance.” Randal whimpered from the ground. “Don’t worry Randal, we’re gonna go get revenge.” Ace said. “But… after calling an ambulance, right?” Randal asked, desperately. “Ehh, maybe. I forgot the phone number for the cops.” Juno said, as them and Ace walked back inside. “COME ON! IT’S 911! I’M LITERALLY DYING HERE!” Randal shouted as Ace and Juno walked inside and slammed the door. “Time to plan our revenge on Santa Claus for killing Randal.” Ace said, pulling out some blueprints. “Poor Randal… I can almost still hear his voice…” Juno whispered. “QUIT THINKING I’M DEAD!” Randal shouted from outside. “Anyway, we’re gonna need a complex plan. Santa has been alive for a long time, he’s wise, and potentially immortal and all-knowing. We don’t know the full extent of his power, so we must create the most complex trap ever made in order to contain him so we can enact our revenge.” Ace plotted. Fifteen minutes later, Juno was waiting by the chimney holding a baseball bat. “I think I hear some noises from the chimney…” Ace whispered. “HO HO HO!” Said Santa’s voice as he shuffled down the chimney. As soon as he got out, Juno conked him hard on the head with the bat. Santa fell onto the floor, out cold. “HAH, TAKE THAT YOU HO HO HO!” Juno screamed maniacally, continuing to conk him with a bat. “Juno, take it easy!” Said Ace. “Fiiiine…” Juno dropped the bat in disappointment. “...because we can finally put our collection of torture devices to use!” Ace continued. “FUCK YEAH!!! ...why do we have torture devices?” Juno asked. “Garage sale.” Ace replied. “Makes sense.” Juno said. “TO THE BASEMENT!” The two shouted, as they dragged Santa away by the legs. Part 2: How the Ace Trio Ruined Christmas Santa slowly woke up, tied up to a medieval stretching device, to see Juno and Ace right in front of his face. “Hey Santa, I’d like to have a word with you.” Ace said. “W-what’s going on? I have to go! Millions of kids are expecting me!” Santa exclaimed. “Well too bad for them. Their hero just happened to KILL OUR FRIEND! So now, we’re gonna torture/kill YOU!!!” Juno laughed evilly. “No, please! I’m innocent, I swear! My elves, my reindeer, they’ll be screwed if I-” Ace turned on the medieval stretching device that Santa was strapped to, and Santa began to get pulled from his feet and hands. He screamed in agony. Ace realized what was going on and grew uncomfortable. “You know, maybe we should tone this down, he probably didn’t mean it....” Ace whispered. “I guess so…” Juno clicked a button the device, hoping it would stop it. Instead, the device began to stretch faster, and Santa was screaming more. “SHIT, UH…” Ace tried to fumble with the buttons a bit more, when behind them, Juno pulled out an axe and began to slash at the machine. Soon, it broke down, and Santa collapsed onto the floor. “Santa, are you okay?” Ace asked. “Yeah I’m peachy, a nice chocolate milk will- OF COURSE I’M NOT THAT WAS THE MOST PAINFUL THING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED!” Santa shouted. “On the upside, small things like mosquito bites won’t hurt as bad anymore, am I right?” Juno said. “SHUT UP!!! I can’t deliver presents like this! Congratulations, you two RUINED Christmas!” Santa shouted. Ace and Juno looked at each other sadly. “Not yet, they didn’t.” Said Randal. Ace and Juno turned around to see him triumphantly walking into the basement. “Randal, you’re alive!” Juno exclaimed. “Of course I am, I didn’t die in the first place… which you would have noticed if you were listening.” Said Randal. “Well, how did you get out of there?” Ace asked. “Umm, you know the movie 127 Hours?” Randal said. “RANDAL? YOU CUT OFF YOUR HAND?” Juno laid down next to him and began crying. “NOO, NOT YOUR HAND! IT WAS LIKE, A 7.5/10, A REALLY GOOD HAND.” “...no, James Franco, the guy from that movie came by and helped me get up.” “God, I hate that guy.” Ace uttered. “Me too, so I punched him in the face after he helped me and then he got ran over by a reindeer.” Randal said. “Wait, how did he get ran over by a reindeer if Santa is right-” Juno said. “Turns out the guy hitting people with reindeers wasn’t Santa, but Dark Santa.” Said Randal. “Krampus?” Ace said. “No, Atnas.” Randal said. “But enough about him. You guys almost killed Santa. And now he can’t even deliver toys, what the fuck?” “Listen, we were stressed and-” “Whatever. If Santa can’t deliver toys… we will.” Randal proclaimed. “TO! THE! SLEIGH!!!” He shouted. Ace and Juno looked at each other. “God, I hate predictable Christmas specials…” Juno said. Part 3: How the Ace Trio Saved Christmas Ace, Juno, and Randal climbed to the roof and hopped into Santa’s sleigh. They made sure they had Santa’s list, Santa’s sack, and his reindeer, and they were ready to go. “You think Santa will be okay alone at our house all night?” Randal questioned. “Pfft, he’ll be fine. He was only a little bit seriously injured and maimed.” Juno replied. “So, we ready to go?” Ace asked. “Yep! LET’S GO!!!” Shouted Randal, as he grabbed the reigns of the sleigh and started to guide it into the air. The sleigh began to slowly lift into the air, then soon blast off. “WOAH, THIS IS TERRIFYING!” Ace shouted, looking at the distant ground beneath them. “Alright, our first stop is right there!” Randal shouted, pointing at a house far below. He guided the sleigh to the ground and parked it on the roof. The trio hopped into the chimney and snuck into the house. Ace pulled out Santa’s list. “So… the kid who lives here’s name is Billy. He's four and want a toy train.” Ace whispered. “D’aww!” Everyone whispered together. Randal dug through the bag for a box marked for Billy. “I found one!” He exclaimed, and he grabbed it and put it under the tree. “I found some cookies and milk guys, let’s share them!” Juno said, bringing in some food. Juno, Ace, and Randal were splitting the food when the lights flickered on and an alarm went off. “SHIT, IT’S THE FEDS!” Juno shouted, and dropped the plate, putting their arms up. A man with a gun walked in. “INTRUDERS! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Shouted the man, aiming the gun at them. Randal, Ace, and Juno screamed and ran for the chimney, climbing back up. “Wow, that was a close one.” Randal said as he drove the sleigh away. “Yeah. Good thing I stole all the money from their safe!” Juno said, grasping hundreds of dollars in cash. “Juno! We went over this! No stealing!!!” Ace shouted. “Fiine… I’ll return it… most of it...” Juno said. Randal then flew the sleigh onto the next house. “Y’know, this house looks familiar.” Juno remarked as they hopped off the sleigh and grabbed the presents from the present sack. The trio hopped down the chimney. Inside the house, they discovered a lesbian orgy, featuring Jenny, Jas, Bayonetta, Tracer, Emily, Pharah, Mercy, Pearl, and more. “Um… we’ve got deliveries here for Jenny and Jas McClane?” Ace announced. Jenny and Jas got up from the orgy and went up to them. “One vibrator for you, Jenny…” Said Randal, handing Jenny a cylindrical wrapped gift. “I’M SO GONNA SHOVE THIS UP MY BUTT!” Jenny shouted, clearly drunk. “And one Waluigi amiibo for you, Jas.” Said Juno, handing Jas a wrapped amiibo box. “I’M SO GONNA SHOVE THIS UP MY BUTT ALSO!” Jas also shouted drunkly. Randal, Juno, and Ace climbed back out through the chimney and hopped back into the sleigh to deliver more presents. “Well, this is already boring.” Juno remarked. “How about we do the rest in montage?” Ace said. “What if… in MUSICAL montage?” Randal thought. Ace and Juno pulled out instruments once again and Randal began singing in a godlike, Bluster-like singing voice, to the melody of Bluster the Benevolent . : “We will go down throughout time as holiday heroes, : When Santa could not do his job, he chose us three fellows. '' : ''We will be remembered through North Pole history, '' : ''As the three aces that were Santa’s prodigies. : Randal, Ace, and Juno, Saving Christmas time, '' : ''Riding along a sleigh while busting out a rhyme. : We’ll deliver presents or coal if the kids are bad, : It sounds like a large workload, it is, just a tad. : Santa will be so thankful when we finish his work, : Maybe he’ll give me a real Bluster that can really twerk! : Randal, Ace, and Juno, Saving Christmas night, : But sadly we must go, our schedule’s getting quite tight. : Randal, Ace, and Juno, Saving Christmas day, : We will be the heroes of all holidays! Ace, Juno, and Randal were finishing up the last of their present deliveries by the time the song was over. Part 4: Home For the Holidays “Woah, we’re finally done with our presents! We can go home!” Juno exclaimed, looking into an empty present sack. “Yes! We did it! We saved Christmas! Let’s go home!” Ace shouted. Randal took the sleigh and flew it home. It landed on the roof of Ace, Juno, and Randal’s house. Santa was sitting on the roof, waiting. “About time you guys made it home…” Santa remarked. “Hey, we just saved Christmas, you know!” Juno retorted. “After ruining it!” Santa replied. “...well to be fair-” Ace started, but Santa hopped into the sleigh and instantly flew it off. In fact, he flew off so fast that a reindeer smacked into Randal and knocked him off the roof. “Well, let’s go back down.” Juno said, not noticing Randal screaming in agony on the ground. Juno and Ace slid down the chimney, only to find the house completely empty, lacking any furniture whatsoever. “Oh my god, Santa robbed us blind!” Ace shouted. “What an asshole- oh wait, look! Presents!” Juno pointed at three gift boxes laying in the middle of the floor. They ran up to them and ripped them open. “I got…” Juno opened the box only to see a lump of coal in it. “I guess I had it coming, after the tax fraud and the torture…” “OH MY GOD…” Ace squeed as they opened their own box. “I GOT… A PS4… WITH…” Then pulled out a box of Battleborn for the PS4. “OH COME ON, BATTLEBORN? FUCK YOU TOO, SANTA! I’D RATHER HAVE COAL!” “Hey, where’s Randal?” Juno asked. Ace shrugged, not hearing Randal’s continued screams of agony from outside, then ripped open his gift too. “It’s… a… Donkey Kong dakimakura? Eh, it’s no Bluster but we’ll take it.” Ace said. “WHY?!?!?!” Randal screamed from outside. “You know what we gotta do, Juno?” Ace asked. Juno and Ace were suddenly wearing fruit hats and dancing in front of a Hawaiian background. : “Juno’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa, '' :''That’s what Juno’s gonna do! :Juno’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa, :Cuz Randal would have wanted them to! : Juno’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa, '' :''They know that Ace is on their side, :Juno’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa, :Santa’s going for a ride!” Randal, who was still laying outside in agony, sighed. "Bah humbag..." He whispered. The end. Chapter 3 - The Squad Bible Story Coming Sunday, December 25th. Category:Holiday Specials Category:Specials Category:Pages by Captain Moch